Desirable singles, just like you

Despite stereotypes about the people being reserved, it seems we’re relatively forthcoming when it comes to declarations of love.
In fact, though most people wait around three-and-a-half months to say ‘I love you’ for the first time, one in 10 drops the ‘L Bomb’ within a week of meeting a new flame.

In terms of location, most of us share this sentiment at home (19%) or whilst cuddled up in bed (14%). Perhaps aided by courage, pubs and restaurants are also popular spots for couples to say the three magic words.

The research also found that men under 35 are most likely to blurt out the L-bomb quickly with almost a quarter doing so in a week or less. Whether this suspiciously high number means it’s being used to smooth the path towards first-time or more sex is open to conjecture, but it challenges the common perception that women are most likely to wear their hearts on their sleeves. It could also be tied up with cultural cues which still emphasise the role of men in initially formalising a relationship in terms of exclusivity.

So overall, what of the one in 10 South Africans who declare love after just one week? Are they simply romantic souls or bordering on reckless?

While some partners might bask in the compliment, others are equally likely to run for cover. Too much intensity has often led to the early demise of initially promising pairings

The truth is that some relationships do move incredibly quickly and evolve into happy, long-term events. But one week into a romance, what you’re likely to be experiencing is infatuation rather than love, boosted by a cocktail of endorphins and sex hormones.

And during those early days of high-intensity passion, it’s easy to be blinded to a partner’s true character. Be it friends, colleagues or lovers – it takes months to get to know someone properly.

It certainly takes more than a week to determine whether you’re compatible and share the same values and personality traits – the gold standard for lasting love.

Therefore, if in any doubt hold off on dropping the L Bomb until you instinctively feel you’re on steady ground and have enjoyed a variety key experiences together. Sometimes, it’s slowly-cooked recipes that make the most delicious dishes.

I’ve claimed to be in love more times than I care to remember.

For me, nothing can top the feeling of falling in love. It’s completely intoxicating.

The problem is, because falling in love is such an overwhelming experience, we often get confused. Is it real love that we’re feeling or just infatuation? Is it an obsession that will inevitably burn out under the weight of its own intensity?

In the early months of my courtship with my now-boyfriend Joe, I panicked that I was repeating the same old patterns from previous relationships.

The first three months were always magical, but the moment the excitement started to wear off, I mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship. I was always certain that real love was waiting for me in the arms of someone else.
Having played out this scenario one too many times, it soon became apparent that couples who had managed to go the distance had an entirely different understanding of what being in love really means. I became determined to learn what they seemed to already know.

The following list is comprised of my tried and tested research in to the difference between ‘faux’ love and love that’s the real deal (and therefore more likely to stick around!)

If you’re currently in the throes of a new relationship – or you want to reevaluate how you feel about your current partner – I encourage you to bite the bullet and see how many of these real love indicators resonate for you.

It’s easy to be yourself around them

I’ve spent far too much time trying to be the person I believe the object of my affections wants me to be, rather than who I really am. Faking it like this is only sustainable for so long; sooner or later, you’re going to be found out and it’s likely to have a negative effect on the relationship dynamic. When it’s real love, you’ll feel like you can be yourself around the other person immediately. That way, if they do fall in love with you, it’ll be with the authentic you, not an idealised version.

You can see them in your future

We live in such an instant culture now. We’re increasingly fixated on getting what we want now, rather than thinking about how that fits with who we want to be and where we want to go in the future. If the love between you and your partner is real, you won’t be able to stop yourself picturing your future together. It’ll feel exciting and expansive. On the other hand, if it’s fake love, you’ll probably stop yourself looking too far into the future because you know, deep down, that your relationship has an expiry date. This is a highly inconvenient truth as it means we’ll have to endure a break-up at some point, which is why we tend to dismiss it for so long.

You’re not interested in other people

From my own experience, I’ve learned that infatuation is a fickle beast. One minute you’re completely obsessed with someone, certain that no-one else could make you happy. The next, they start to irritate and annoy you, or fail to live up to your idealised perception of them. This inevitably leads your eyes and attention to wander elsewhere. When it’s real love, your focus remains solely on the person you’re with because, even in the rocky phases, you know they’re the right person for you.

They inspire you to be a better person

When I met my boyfriend Joe, I was struck by how many great qualities he had that seemed to come naturally to him. For example, he doesn’t care what other people think of him, which makes him easy to be around because he’s not trying to be someone he’s not. As a chronic people pleaser, this wasn’t a quality that came so easily to me, but the more time I spent with him, the more I was inspired to try to let go of other’s opinions of me. When it’s real love, you’ll be drawn to the inner qualities of the other person, rather than the external makers of success, and you’ll, no doubt, want to become a better version of yourself as result.

Your friends approve of them

My friends have always been pretty spot on when it came to spotting who was (and wasn’t) a good match for me in the long-run. Sometimes we’re so blinded by our infatuation and obsession with our new partner that we can’t see how totally not right they are for us. Our friends and family can be far more objective. They’re not emotionally invested in the relationship like we are and they know who and what is most likely to make us happy. While your opinion is ultimately the most important, don’t completely ignore advice from you loved ones – they really do have your best interests at heart.